Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

Can you truly know within a few minutes or a few months if this is *“THE ONE?”*

The early days of a relationship are filled with high energy, creativity, and endless nights. Whether drawn together by pheromones—a powerful sex attractant—or perhaps by a dating app, we find ourselves on our best behavior. We primp, fuss, and consider every little detail. Our seduction dance begins. Like peacocks fanning their feathers, we parade around each other, bobbing our heads and making cooing (or squawking) noises to attract our potential mate. It’s a beautiful time in our lives. We feel alive and vibrant. It’s easy to go the extra mile for each other because our dopamine levels are as high as if we were taking cocaine! Every time we see the person we desire, we get another natural boost of this euphoric drug.

It’s addictive.

Enjoy the high because this phase can’t last forever—we would die of exhaustion otherwise! After about two years, our bodies stop producing this burst of the love drug. Looking back over your past relationships, you might wonder if this is why many didn’t last longer than 18 to 24 months. Is it dopamine withdrawal or reality orientation?

Why Does This Happen?

This early phase of a relationship is a time of discovery. While hormones put a charming spin on our little quirks, they can also mask disharmonious personality traits. When we add some delicious sex—especially orgasms—to the mix, our oxytocin levels surge, further strengthening the chemical bond between us. If we take it a step further into “fluid bonding,” these love hormones interact with additional biochemical processes, which can intensify the effects of our “hormonal beer goggles,” making it even harder to see our partner and the relationship clearly.

They can make us see what isn’t really there or fail to see what is! I’ve heard many women and men say things under the influence like, “He has such potential,” “She is PERFECT,” or the worst one, “He IS THE ONE!” (Insert facepalm emoji here.)

We’ve all done this. It’s human nature to want to bond and connect. But in our highly mobile world, where total strangers are called “friends” and people have access to our personal information, making us feel more familiar than we actually can safely be, we risk making huge leaps during this hormonally intoxicated phase.

What Is Going on Beneath the Skin?

During this googly-eyed honeymoon phase, we learn more about each other. We do endearing things: leave love notes, write poetry, sing, bring flowers, give massages, have lots of wild monkey sex, and are willing to be adventurous in bed or in public. Endorphins are at an all-time high, making us feel happy and joyful. It is thought that vasopressin, another hormone released during sexual activity, makes men more likely to bond and be monogamous, while oxytocin—the cuddle hormone released by both men and women during orgasm—does the same for both. This is the time we declare our feelings and desire exclusivity. These nesting feelings lead us to believe this is it—the real love deal. We might consider long-term commitments such as marriage or living together. We believe our energy to swoon and woo is endless. We establish habits and patterns to please each other, and these delights keep us drawn together.

Then It Happens: The 6 to 18-Month Wake-Up

As the hormone haze slowly subsides, we might not be as joyful; in fact, we may even be a little crabby. (Can you say “withdrawal”?) As the fog clears, if we find ourselves in a mismatched relationship, we start to pick on and criticize each other’s quirks—the very ones we thought were so cute in the beginning. Oxytocin and dopamine levels drop like a rock. We might not feel so cuddly or attentive. Leaving that little love note doesn’t seem so important anymore, and stopping by to pick up a bouquet of flowers feels like a hassle. When you arrive without that sparkling hunger in your eyes for your date, you are met with confusion and frustration. The sex? Your lover might not feel so sexy now because the fawning attention you once gave has lessened. You hear yourself saying to your friends, “He/She has really changed.” And so the story goes—if the relationship does not have a solid foundation.

Does any of this sound familiar? So how do we get through those early months and truly enjoy the magical time without setting ourselves up to fail once the hormone high wears off? That’s why I’m here. I have some ideas.

How to Make This Work

1. Education About Hormones and Attraction

Anyone entering the age of sexual relationships needs a crash course in how we are initially driven by hormones—not intellect or the cosmos. There is nothing intellectual about early attraction (infatuation) and sexuality. Once we understand how these hormones guide us, we are better equipped to make healthier choices. Just because we are sexually drawn to someone initially doesn’t mean they are the love of our lives or that we are compatible for a long-term relationship. This is valuable information.

2. The “Two Complete Sets of Season Change” Rule

For years, I have advised couples not to make any long-term commitments (such as having a baby) until after they have gone through two sets of seasons (two years) together. It takes that long for the hormone high to calm down and for you to see who you are really left with. Beyond hormones, it gives you time to see how each of you deals with real-life challenges: stress, illness, finances, family, work, etc. Take this opportunity to notice how each of you treats people in service jobs. Are you respectful and gracious, or demanding and condescending? It is under these conditions that we reveal our true nature. At the two-year mark, when you are thinking more clearly (beer goggles off), you can see the quality of the relationship you have created. Now the richness of love can begin to blossom. If you are patient and get through this initial phase and still enjoy each other, hang on tight—it only gets better from here!

Important note: If you reach this point and feel uncertain, unloved, in conflict, more upset than happy, and hear yourself saying things like, “I’ve invested so much time,” or “He/she has such potential,” or “If he/she would only change x, y, or z,” cut each other loose. You will only end up wasting more time and resenting each other for it. You can’t make someone be who you want them to be. The idea of “potential in another person” is really just your projection of who you desire them to be, and has nothing to do with who they are or who they are destined to become.

We should all expect to spend at least two years getting to know someone before making a long term, legal, geographical or financial commitment.  

3. Creating Habits of Seduction

If things are still going well and you find more and more reasons to spend time together, then read on.

If you are the note writer, flower giver, and massage therapist every day, make sure that is something you can see yourself doing often and for the rest of your life. Once your euphoria hormones start to wane, those sweet little seduction gestures will be the glue that keeps you giving and receiving that lovin’ feeling.

This goes for sex, too. If you are not the sexually charged type—meaning you are not filled with raging urges yourself—and you are just going through the motions because you know your new love really wants that, you are being misleading.

There, I said it.

That is a form of dishonesty. If this is the case, I guarantee that when your oxytocin levels plummet, you won’t be so willing to “do the deed” just because your partner wants you to. This is how mismatched sexual partnerships happen. We can fall in love for many reasons, but if we are dishonest about our personal sexual appetite early on, we can end up forever mismatched sexually. Sometimes that can work, but honestly, the only time sex is not a problem in a relationship is when both people are getting their needs met.

4. Maturity Is Key

It takes maturity to build and sustain a fulfilling intimate relationship. If we know ourselves well enough to confidently ask for what we need straight away, we are more likely to enjoy that initial infatuation phase without panicking or sabotaging it. This critical two-year time frame is invaluable for getting to know each other well enough to decide if this is something worth pursuing or not. You are never wasting your time; you are always learning, growing, and preparing for the rest of your life. Every relationship you enter will teach you important life lessons.

The addition of sex can enhance and complicate a relationship. It often makes those beer goggles even more opaque to the truth. Go into relationships with your eyes wide open about the natural evolution of love and hormones; be patient, take your time, be curious, and all the while enjoy that delightful peacock parade.

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day!

If you are looking for love and are in a hurry, York psychologist Professor Arthur Aron has studied why people fall in love. He asked his subjects to carry out the following three steps and found that many couples felt deeply attracted after the 34-minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married. Go figure!

Here’s the How to Fall in Love Experiment:

• Find a complete stranger.

• Reveal intimate details about your lives to each other for half an hour.

• Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.

More on the Science of Love can be found in the video about “Novelty” at The Anatomy of Love website.

More on The Science Of Love Here…  Watch the video about “Novelty”.  https://theanatomyoflove.com/the-results/long-term-love/

Intimately Yours, Dr. Nancy

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce RN,DHS , International Speaker, Health & Intimacy Expert,  and the Founding director of Conscious Living Yoga™, Conscious Living Sexuality™, and The  Intimacy Oasis™. 

You can reach Dr. Nancy at DrNancy@DrNSP.com with your comment or questions.

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce is proudly the creative force behind “What She Said” Conversations™. 

Latest Update July 4, 2025so m