What is “Bad Sex”?

“What Constitutes Bad Sex?”

By Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce, Clinical Sexologist

We are having less sex than we were 20 years ago, and too often the sex we are having is BAD SEX!  On average, people are having sex nine times less per year than in the late 1990s.

Always taking the pulse on current sexual beliefs, behaviors and experiences, I recently sent out a questionnaire asking adult men and women, WHAT CONSTITUTES BAD SEX?

The next few articles will be sharing what I’ve learned from this survey, matched with some sex school tool solutions. My intention is to help those who are interested in having better sex, more often. I would also recommend attending the Conscious Living Sexuality classes I’m teaching around or schedule a private sex-life-tune-up with me via skype, facetime or *in-person (*couples or women only).

The sexcapade recaps constituting “bad sex” uncovered a clear gender difference in experience and perception. Men shared stories using phrases such as, “she was a dead fish, a real star fish, non-responsive, unenthusiastic, boring, disinterested, wouldn’t put out, not enough of it, I had to work too hard, she wouldn’t do oral, she was a tease, she seemed bored, etc.”

Women shared experiences of, “enduring physical pain, lack of enjoyment, too aggressive, emulating porn sex, too quick, lacking intimacy, all about his pleasure, once he orgasmed the sex was done, no foreplay, partner unfamiliar with or disinterested in their clitoris, his refusal to use protection, he is always pushing for things she’d said no to in the past, ignoring signs of “no”, feeling coerced and pressured, feeling violated and raped on numerous occasions, etc.”  One woman described bad sex as, “when he masturbates using my vagina.”

No wonder there is so much sexual frustration in the world! We have a disturbing gender disconnect here.  Men desire more frequent enthusiastic sex and feel sexually frustrated, women need to feel safe and to enjoy pleasurable sex and avoid it when it’s not.  Where exactly ARE we learning about how to participate in, and share, enjoyable sexual experiences?  A recent informal survey revealed that many people use porn for sex education and new ideas to reenact.

Both men and women have the birthright to a fulfilling and enjoyable sexual life. Perhaps we can increase satisfaction AND lower the divorce rate with some solid sex positive education?

We can change this trend right now.  Instead of feeling discouraged, let’s get our sex geek hats on!  I have a treasure chest of exciting solutions for you to reconnect to your own pleasure, enhance intimate interactions, and make your sex life better than you ever dreamed possible!

 Are you open to attending Dr. Nancy’s Sex School?

Let’s start with a brief anatomy overview this week, so we are all on the same anatomical page as we move forward to the list of sexy topics I’ve planned for you.  

“Knowing well our individual parts makes for better enjoyment of the whole.” DrNSP

 The Mysterious Genitals of a Woman. 

Hidden in the shadows, a woman’s lady bits remain a mystery to many – including the very people who own them!

Male and female genitals might look very different at birth, but until 12-weeks’ gestation we all appear the same.  Even after we are fully formed we have many similarities when you peer beneath the surface. (See photo used in my “Your Yoni & You to Thy Yoni Be True” Event). 

Important anatomical terms to get comfortable using.

Vulva: the area consisting of the clitoris, inner and outer labia and vagina. In Sanskrit, the vulva is called “Yoni” or “Source of Life”.

Vagina: the word means “Sheath for Sword” and is the passageway between the outside the body, and the cervix, uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes.  The Vagina is a self-cleaning, self-lubricating passageway.  Inside the vagina are moisture producing glands and tissues, and a variety of “pleasure spots” (aka G-spot, A-Spot, etc.) and is surrounded by the body and legs of the internal clitoris.  The average vagina is 3-4 inches deep, but fear not if your guy is hung like a horse. The vagina can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused, kind of like a balloon. (Key words –WHEN sexually aroused!)

NOTE: When referring to the entire female genitalia as the “Vagina”, we’re using incorrect terminology which dismisses the importance of including all the important parts.   We don’t refer to the face as the mouth or the nose, right?

Clitoris: is mostly found beneath the surface, running deep with the legs traveling down both sides of the vagina to lower point of the vaginal opening.  The Clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and its function is—– drum roll please——“SEXUAL PLEASURE!”  That’s it.  No other purpose.  ONLY PURE SEXUAL PLEASURE!  The size of the external clitoris (glans) varies greatly woman to woman, and enlarges throughout a woman’s life span.  During sexual arousal, the Clitoris becomes erect (same erectile tissue as the penis). The size of a clitoris does not determine the function by any means. No matter how small or how large – it’s still the epicenter of orgasmicquakes.

A Man’s Genitals; Most of which is out there for him to easily see and explore are his Penis and Scrotum (containing the Testicles). His hidden pleasure center (the male G-Spot) is the Prostate.  The Penis has 4,000 nerve endings, functions for reproduction, urinary elimination and sexual pleasure.  In Sanskrit, the Penis is referred to as the Lingam, meaning, “wand of light”. The Glans, and the connecting ridge of the glans to the shaft, are the most sensitive areas.  Approximately half of the Penis is beneath the surface. The average length of a fully erect penis in the USA is 5.1 inches.  Yes, it does vary from continent to continent.

Sex School isn’t just about anatomy and function.  It must include information about pleasure, communication, trust, consent, boundaries, comfort, desire, fantasy, healing after abuse, self-pleasure, prevention of misunderstandings, rights to our bodies, beliefs, and so much more. I am thrilled for this opportunity to offer guidance to help make this magical aspect of our human lives even more magical.

The Next Conscious Living Sexuality Column will reveal the “Anatomy of Pleasure”.  I will spice it up with some extra sexy techniques for you to explore. My hope is for you to be fully enjoying your sexuality, and never choose to endure bad sex again. 

Please send me your questions, which will always be answered anonymously, and/or comments about what you feel constitutes “bad sex”.

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