Relationship Code Of Eros

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How we treat each other on a day to day basis will certainly change the degree in which we feel relationship satisfaction. I’ve always said,  “The sure fire way to get an adult to act like a child is to treat them as one”.

The concept of a “Code of Eros” can be interpreted in different ways depending on the context and purpose. However, here is an example of a code of ethics or principles related to love and sexuality:

Eros love can be a foundation for a long-lasting relationship, but it is not enough on its own. Eros love is characterized by passion, lust, and sexual attraction

 

It is often associated with romantic love and is the type of love that most closely resembles what Western cultures now view as romantic love

However, a long-term relationship based solely on eros is doomed to failure
The thrill of sexual love wears off quickly unless there are other forms of love to sustain the relationship
To make a long-term relationship based on eros work, it is important to tend to eros in the relationship and to combine it with other types of love, such as Philia (friendship love), Storge (familial love), and Agape (selfless love)
For instance, couples can tend to eros in their relationship by keeping the intimate flame alive, being spontaneous, and exploring new things together
They can also combine eros with other types of love by becoming friends, respecting differences, and showing empathy and affection.
 
In summary, eros love can be a foundation for a long-lasting relationship, but it is not enough on its own. To make a long-term relationship based on eros work, it is important to tend to eros in the relationship and to combine it with other types of love, such as Philia, Storge, and Agape

Respect: Always treat others with dignity and respect, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status.

Honesty: Be honest and transparent with your partners about your intentions, desires, and boundaries. Do not deceive or manipulate others for personal gain.

Consent: Obtain explicit consent before engaging in any sexual activity with another person. Do not coerce or pressure others into activities they are not comfortable with.

Communication: Communicate openly and effectively with your partners, and listen actively to their needs and concerns. Use respectful and non-judgmental language to express your feelings.

Safety: Take responsibility for your own safety and well-being, and ensure that your partners are also safe and comfortable at all times.

Boundaries: Respect your own boundaries and those of others, and be willing to negotiate and compromise when necessary.

Non-judgment: Avoid judging others based on their sexual preferences or lifestyle choices. Embrace diversity and celebrate different forms of sexual expression.

 

Self-care: Prioritize your own physical, emotional, and mental health, and encourage your partners to do the same. Take time to rest, relax, and recharge as needed.

Dr. Nancy’s Additional Code Of Relationship Ethics and Eros

A.  Meeting New Potential Partners

  1. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
  2. “Benefit of the doubt” is earned with consistency and years of knowing a person’s character.  You can’t possibly give this to a stranger.
  3. Carefully vette all new people you meet on line.  Get to know their friends, look for those who can vouch for them.
  4. Follow the two year rule;  Only after 2 years sharing time, travel, intimacy, family/friends, going through stress or illness, that you BEGIN to know someone.  
  5. During these two years, Resist making any decision that:
    1. Affects another life (aka baby).
    2. Requires a lawyer to get out.
    3. Includes your money- present and future.
    4. Will adversely affect your personal or professional goals regarding safety, family, health, or sense of financial security.

B.  Before Making a Commitment

  1. Share your personal life dreams. 
    1. Understand that you don’t have any jurisdiction over the dreams of someone else. 
    2. Know where a person sees themselves in 1, 5, 10 years.  Are you on the same path?
  2. Consensual Monogamy or Consensual Non Monogamy(1) – Have the discussion.
    1. You need to understand how you each define this.  (Everyone has a unique take on this topic.
    2. You need to know yourself well enough to be honest about your desires
    3. Discuss honestly your person sexual drive and desires for your sexual relationship.  Mismatched sex drives can be heart breaking and disastrous.  
    4. We don’t own each other’s sex.  
    5. We don’t own each other’s pleasures.
    6. Monogamy has to be openly negotiated and agreed upon to work.  There are many open marriages out there where only one person knows it.
  3. Relationship Roles and Expectations
    1. This is an important ongoing discussion about how you each define terms such as; marriage, wife, husband, parnter, parent, mother, father, man, woman, other, commitment, love, loyalty, respect, money, religion, etc.  Define these for yourself and then share your truth.  It will save you a lot of misunderstandings later.  
    2. Remember, our definitions are made up – they can be renegotiated if we are open to broaden our understanding of evolving adults and their relationships with themselves and others.
    3. Understand that each relationship is unique.  You cannot recreate your parent’s or a past relationship you are pining for.  Every new relationship is a “designer relationship”.  Every little nuance must be negotiated and defined by the two (or more) persons involved. 

C.  Already in a Committed Relationship? 

  1. Love each other as you are, first and foremost.  Personal  evolution is natural and healthy.  Accepting this in yourself and each other is one key to long term relationship happiness.
  2. We do not have the right to any attempt to change our partner into who we want them to be. (2)
  3. We only have the right to change ourselves into the finest version of the person we choose to be on our own terms.
  4. It is a privilege to witness the intimate up-close view of our partner’s life exploration.  Enjoy it. 
  5. We do not have the right to direct the course of our partner’s life.
  6. We are not expected or capable of meeting all needs for each other at all times.
  7. Our past is to be appreciated; for it is the reason we are the person we are today.
  8. Our fantasies, traumas, desires, fears, dreams, hopes etc. are private and personal.  It is our human birth right to have them.  We don’t owe an explanation as to why we have them.  
  9. We earn the privilege of our partner’s trust to share #8 with us – this is not our right to have access to them.  We must NEVER use them against each other.  This is an instant trust destroyer.
  10. We teach each other if we are to be trusted or not by how we handle disappointment, fear, jealousy, anger, pain, loss, etc, and how we treat our partner when they reveal things to us that make us uncomfortable.
  11. We choose our responses to everything.  Choose carefully.  It matters.
  12. Own your own shit… and it’s all your own shit.
  13. Owning our own shit will go a long way in all relationships.
  14. Love is never unconditional.  That is an illusion.  We all have deal breakers.  Know yours, Know Theirs.

This is a work in progress and I will continue to update as I observe, learn and grow in my own experience in my relationships too. 
With much love and devotion, 
Dr. Nancy

(1)

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a type of romantic or sexual relationship in which all partners involved explicitly agree to engage in sexual or romantic activities with other people outside of the primary relationship. In CNM, all parties give informed consent and participate willingly in the relationship structure. CNM may take various forms, such as polyamory (having multiple romantic relationships), open relationships (having sexual relationships with others outside the primary relationship), or swinging (having sexual experiences with other couples or groups). CNM involves communication, trust, and mutual respect between all partners, and it can provide opportunities for personal growth and exploration of different forms of intimacy.

(2)

Trying to change your partner often ends in disaster because it implies that you do not fully accept them for who they are. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, trust, and acceptance, and attempting to change your partner can erode these foundational elements. Additionally, trying to change someone else is often a fruitless and frustrating endeavor, as people have their own unique personalities, beliefs, and values that are difficult to alter. Furthermore, attempting to change your partner may lead to feelings of resentment, defensiveness, or inadequacy, which can damage the relationship and create a negative cycle of conflict and disconnection. Instead of trying to change your partner, it is more effective to focus on improving communication, building mutual understanding, and finding ways to compromise and support each other’s growth and development.

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